Narcissists come in different shapes and forms. Some are loud and dominant, others look humble and shy. Some are downright vile and cruel, others just want you to boost their ego. Some are grandiose, but they can also be malignant, or even covert. They all have things in common – or should I say: they all lack things in common? They lack integrity, an authentic inner life, empathy and compassion, relational memory, and – – – – LOVE. They don’t love. They don’t even know the other person exists. You can try everything, but the reality of your life never interferes with your relationship with them. And you end up doubting yourself, since everybody adores them and you are the only one who seems to suffer.
Yes, in the beginning, they can be overly nice, shower you with compliments, and as they observe you, they gather information on how to gain better control over you. This is called the Love Bombing stage. Once they know your biggest weakness, they will use that knowledge to keep control over you since your presence may flatter their ego, bring them temporary comfort, improve their business, or even make them save a lot of money.
The worst is when you grow up surrounded by narcissists. The wounds that start in childhood can be so deep, they affect your life on many levels, and mostly in intimate relationships and close friendships. Having learned to search for love where there is none, the struggle may last for years. Adrenaline surges of fear and walking on egg shells are confused for a hope for love. You gravitate towards people who make you relive that experience while all you do is seek for healing. Predators and vampires gravitate towards you as they discover that little weak spot they recognize so well. After they objectify and utilize you, they leave you confused, empty, and doubting yourself. You wonder what you have done wrong. You question everything you have said. You are a hypervigilant empath who always puts the other person first. Eggshells are everywhere.
When the moment of breakthrough arrives, you get to see the patterns and finally have a name the pathology that held you in its grip for years. You discover that where love should have been, there was only void. Suddenly the pieces fall into place as you start to notice things. The person you poured so much love in, never mentioned their friendships, or their previous marriage, or their coworkers and family members. In fact, they never really existed to them, and they wish to spend every minute talking about the only subject of real interest: their false ego. And you discover more: they lied to you. They had a hidden agenda, maybe even a double life. They manipulated and used you. And you’re in shock. They were not at all the person you hoped they were. In fact, the person never existed.
The wounds caused by a covert narcissist are very peculiar and profound, as they seem so helpless, vulnerable, human and inoffensive. When they are intelligent, they may hide their game for years as they force you into things you don’t really want, and undermine your confidence with what appear to be compliments: « You look nice today, much better than yesterday! » , « No matter what, you always fall back onto your feet! » (you’re a loser who always falls on their face), « You look good for your age! » (you’re old and not looking that good). Or top of the bill: « You’ll never find another person who will love you as much as I do » (meaning you’ll never find anyone who loves you). They are profoundly envious and jealous but find ways of camouflaging it. They compete with you and are not happy with your successes, and at a certain point you hesitate to tell them when things go well. And when you’re ill with fever, they suddenly pretend they have a severe flu and you need to take care of them. They can not stand it when it is not all about them.
Grandiose narcissists can be fun for a while, but when you really crave a deeper friendship, you realize they have no clue: there is no reciprocity, they propose to meet you when it fits in or serves their agenda and don’t hear your invitations. They utilize you for their projects, for feeding their grandiose illusions or promoting their exquisiteness. Basically, they dominate you. They practice grandiloquence and seek followers, not friends. Because when you come too close, they know you will discover the gaping hole inside of them. When you do get to know them a bit better, you start noticing how their persona has been built upon hundreds of little ‘thefts’: on their website they are wearing the outfit you wanted to buy but didn’t have the money. They attend cultural events you were passionate about, or visit your doctor, without informing you. Their words of love came from a book, their mannerisms from a movie.
Malignant narcissists hurt a lot. They may be cruel, dominant and even sadistic. They can appear to be glamorous and powerful, especially in the beginning as they love bomb. They spoil you, and wrap you around their finger. And once you’re there, they lose respect. They feed on your substance until nothing is left, and then discard you. Malignants never stay for long because they cause a lot of pain, everyone ends up turning their back to them. They can have psychopathic traits and destroy their surroundings, as well as all the relationships between others. And even years later, you may discover thanks to their flying monkeys, that they still run gossip and smear campaigns against you, or steal your ideas so they can show the world they surpass and dominate you.
In fact, these three forms of narcissism are basically the same, but express themselves in a distinct way (covert/vulnerable, malignant, grandiose) in function of the relationship, and where they are in life at a particular time. However, I have seen a (mainly) covert narcissist behave grandiose and evil, and vice versa. The dress is different, but the disorder is the same. What they also have in common is a lack of remorse and regret. They will not remember the pain they inflict upon you. And they will certainly refuse accountability. It’s you: you didn’t understand, you always change the narrative. It’s never them.
What happened to them, to have become so inhumane? What created this emptiness in them? I believe that it happened at a young age, when trauma, or seeing trauma, made them choose to be on the side of power and not of vulnerability. Their empathy did not develop, because it would be too painful. And so they find ways of grabbing the best piece of the pie in all circumstances, sometimes exhibiting shameless opportunism. They don’t live, they appear. They built this personality structure in order to avoid suffering. They may however use others to do the suffering for them.
No, you could not have done better. No, you could not help him/her/them. There was nothing you could do. The best thing you can do is leave. And if leaving is no option, grey rocking is a great way of protecting your soul. Grey rocking means that you behave in a very boring way: « Yes. » « No. » « OK. » and refuse to get into drama. Because when they feel they lose you, they may try drama. They try to bait you, only to better discard you later. To them, drama is also supply. Conflict means you give them energy. And that is what they feed on. It gives them the illusion of being in life.
Now keep that energy for you. For your healing. And move on. With your feet firmly on the ground. Ask for help and support. You deserve it. You have already given so much.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse are among the strongest and bravest people in the world. Once they escape the craziness, they will not have much fear left. No more eggshells to walk on. No more second guessing themselves.
Connected, fearless and in touch with their soul. Yes, exactly what the narcissist tried to steal from them.
Marlene Nuhaan
Adult Autism Therapist
— disclaimer : This article is for informational and educational purposes and does not replace medical or psychological diagnosis
The subject of this article is, of course, Narcissistic Personality Disorder—not the healthy dose of narcissism we all share. After all, we all crave love and recognition. However, when a person’s narcissism becomes pervasive and impairs their ability to function socially, it becomes a personality disorder. Furthermore, because individuals with this disorder wish to believe they are superior to others, they often lack the self-reflection required for effective therapy.
Interesting resources: Dr. Diana Diamond, a psychoanalyst who works with narcissistic clients has a few great seminars on YouTube and a deep understanding of their functioning. Dr. Otto Kernberg also has a lot of wisdom to share. For the first steps into understanding and healing, I like Danish Bashir who offers a lot of clarity as a clinician who grew up with narcissistic parents.
Want to cringe a little bit? Here’s a video for you!