(image : painting by (c) Herr Seele – with permission ! )

The most difficult part is relationships, be it before or after the diagnosis. I didn’t think it would be when I was 20 years old, but it is. Friends used to just come and go, and were not super important to me except for two or three people. However, that flow kind of changed over the years.

In the aftermath of my diagnostic revolution, now 2,5 years ago, my world is still upside down. I see everything in a different perspective, and understand how my masking or my brutal honesty may have caused, or at least encouraged abusive relationships.

I am letting them go one by one, and this is bitter sweet. Freedom and relief, but also grief. It almost sounds like poetry.

In the past, I never thought much about the word ‘hypocrisy’. When people would use the word, I would be surprised and I had to think about what it meant each time. Today, I understand that the whole mechanism of being a hypocrite is just so autism-unfriendly. It confuses me when people talk trash about a person and then in real life I see them being more friendly with them than with me. It is so confusing, I want to run away. And that is what I do. Because I decided to listen to my inner self. Numbers don’t count any longer. People are not commodities I need to keep in my life “because you never know”, or out of guilt because I may hurt them while actually I am hurting myself on a daily basis. I am way past that level of codependency. Thank goodness. But I still see it happen around me. People being so mean they are like mental and spiritual assassins to somebody behind their backs, while in their presence they’d kiss their shoes. All this kind of energy has to go from my life, now.

Hypocrisy is not compatible with the autistic brain. Autistic people don’t see others as commodities, a handy thing to have at hand for this or that. An autistic person either likes you or they don’t, and they do it honestly.

Oh and on another note : one famous person I always adored has almost been destroyed by the world’s majorities for her honesty, her straight forwardness and her fight for justice: Sinéad O’Connor. I watched the new documentary about her life and career, “Nothing Compares” yesterday, and it is fantastic. I think she is autistic too. She stims, she’s shy, she avoids eye contact, she is socially awkward… and was scapegoated by her family (mother), probably because she would blurt out the truth. I hope she gets freed from the need for all kinds of religious identities and faulty mental health diagnoses and medications, and that she can find her true nature.
PS: Did you know that the name of my website, Healing Room, comes from a song of hers with the same title ? Thank you Sinéad. You have been a powerful inspiration in my most difficult years.

EDIT on 31 July 2023 : this article was originally written on 22 January 2023. I was somehow worried about Sinéad. Last week, she left us. Since her passing, this article pops up for hundreds of people who search her name, wondering like me, if she was autistic. It strengthens me in my wish to work with autistic adult women. I feel that so many of us may have received wrong diagnosis (and medication), and that from there on our lives become like labyrinths, and healing way too complicated.
– Also the art work of Herr Seele was added on 30 July with his permission and was not part of the original article written on 22 January 2023.
Special thank you to Herr Seele and all you readers and amazing people who leave comments