Dear teenage Marlene,

Of course it is painful when you realize that your friend(s) never really knew you. It hurts when you understand they never saw your distress, your problems at home, your sensitivities and your daily struggles. Of course at times you feel freaking lonely.

But how could they know? You have become so good at masking. Proud as you are, you hate pity, that belittling and abusive false friend. So you show yourself stronger than you are, for as long as you can. You even decided you wanted to be a bad-ass punkette and for a while, this mission became an intense ‘special interest’, also know as ‘obsession’ for neurotypicals. Of course, you regularly collapse. They call these moments ‘meltdowns’ or ‘shutdowns’ or even ‘autistic burnout’. During those times, you hide, keep it all locked inside, develop insomnia and anxiety, and cultivate a dangerous ball of internalized anger. I know most of the time you just feel bad, and you show visible signs of depression. But you know what? You will get through it all, don’t worry too much. It will cost a lot of work, but you will find the right help. And you’re braver than you know now.

So tell me, how could your friend(s) have understood you any better than they did? You used all your intelligence, your energy and purpose for building a strong, socially acceptable and coherent persona. Extreme survival, this is called. And there was not much left for you – to just to enjoy life being you. From a young age, you learned it was dangerous to be simply yourself. When you needed silence, they didn’t allow you to shut your bedroom door. When you needed alone time, you were harassed for being antisocial. Although you were craving the warm safety of your special interests, you learned to hide them in shame, because you couldn’t bare the mockery. You didn’t fit in, because you were not welcome. (You were not real, because real was dangerous. And so on.) So you froze.

Groups scare you, because you never know what to say. And there you go: swaying between the shame of not belonging and the arrogance of a geeky punk. The appearance of a certain balance is only an illusion.

From a very young age, you were the geek of the family. Perfect at spelling and grammar before even ‘learning’ that stuff at school, you used expensive words even your mom could not pronounce correctly. More mockery followed, even though your teachers applauded you for your skills with words. Today, I am willing to give a lot if I could be able to read one of the essays you wrote at age 12!

So with your friend(s), you chose to be somebody else, ‘someone good’ as Lou Reed would put it in his song ‘Perfect day‘. Of course nobody knew the real you. How could they? You did not even know yourself – or worse: you despised yourself for being so profoundly unacceptable and misunderstood since childhood, and so terribly hypersensitive. You may have said two or three things to your friend(s), but they did not pick much of it up. They might have been able to catch glimpses, and put 2 & 2 together, but maybe they just didn’t.

The grief over lost relationships has set in, as a new life begins to point itself at the horizon. It is all about letting go. And I promise you: one day you’ll be able to let go of the nightmares about betrayal, public humiliation, manipulation, being an easy target. The loss of the old self. And together with a new feeling of safety comes the healing, starting the day you decide to never again abandon yourself the way they did.

I remember clearly the day you decided to no longer betray yourself. You stood at the bus stop, ready to flee, then turned around and went back home – your own little home. The one you built with all all your dreams since childhood.

Good for you. You have been doing great.

Much love,

Marlene

PS : dear Reader, autism is real. Even if you don’t see it.

photo : made with love by @Nathalie Frennet