Thoughts on parents seeking autism labels for their kids

In my work as a therapist, I often meet young people at crossroads: in their teens or twenties, they are young adults struggling to find their own voice, to understand who they are, and to breathe freely in a world full of sometimes suffocating expectations. Some come to me because their parents suspect something is « wrong » — and often, the parents would like to get an autism diagnosis for their youngster.

Now, let me be clear: an autism diagnosis can be profoundly helpful. For many, it brings a sense of understanding, relief, and legitimacy. It may open doors to self discovery and acceptance and appropriate support. After all, my main job is accompanying (young) adults with their post-diagnosis questions and discoveries. But when the desire for a diagnosis comes more from a parent’s anxiety, need for control, or an incapacity to question family dynamics, it is time to pause and reflect..

Diagnosis is not a shortcut to understanding

When a young person is drowning in sadness, perfectionism, loneliness, self-erasure… labeling them « autistic » does not address the core wounds:

• Lack of emotional safety
• Lack of permission to make their own mistakes and find their own path
• Lack of being truly seen and heard as a special individual

Autistic or not, every human being needs to feel welcomed in their emotions, respected in their individuality, and supported in their growth. In general, a diagnosis is the least of the worries of youngsters, and a label cannot and should not be used as a substitute for emotional availability, listening, and true acceptance – all these wonderful things we believe we don’t have the time for in our hectic world.

When a diagnosis serves the parent

Sometimes, a parent’s urgent wish for a diagnosis masks a painful reality:

• A fear of questioning their own communication style
• A need to avoid looking at unhealthy family patterns
• A desire to outsource « the problem » onto the child

In these cases, the label can become a shield: « It’s not me. It’s my kid’s autism. »

This shortcut can freeze a young person into an identity that feels imposed rather than discovered.
It can deepen isolation instead of offering real support, and being taken from psychiatrist to therapist to assessment center for all kinds of ‘diagnoses’ can be experienced as a form of violence. And this may be the most important truth of this article: when parents visit a good therapist seeking help ‘for their child who has so many issues,’ the work usually starts — and rightly so — with the parent. But this aside. Let’s continue looking at the teenager or the young adult.

What truly matters: the relationship

Regardless of a diagnosis, what heals — always — is the quality of the relationship:

• Being allowed to have one’s own feelings
• Being met with curiosity instead of judgment
• Being seen as a whole, complex, developing human being — not a checklist of symptoms

If parents can focus first on connection, listening, and emotional validation, then a diagnosis, if it comes, will find its proper place: as a tool for the child to become happier, and nothing else.

A final word

I encourage all parents who worry about their child to ask themselves: « Am I truly seeing this young person? Or am I trying to fit them into an explanation that feels safer for me? » Or even deeper: « Am I projecting my own issues on my child, or maybe even making them carry my unresolved burden? »

(Sorry, folk. Your servant here, the author of this article, is autistic, and does not practice understatements.)

Courage, curiosity, and openness — not fear — are what truly support a child’s unfolding. And whether autism is part of the story or not, what children need most is what every human being needs: to be met, loved, and accompanied in their full humanity.

Every young person deserves to be met with openness, not conclusions, especially by their parent(s). These reflections are woven from many experiences across years of listening to young people and their families, each unique, each teaching me something essential. May we learn to truly see them. With or without a diagnosis.

Marlene